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Thursday, February 23, 2017

She-Piphany Moments: The Key

"As-Salaam-Alaikum" (Peace be unto you!)
The Key

The Key.
 “Why,” she began to ask, “Why can’t I have my key back?”
  “NO!”  He said in a stern and sarcastic tone. The voice she have heard many times before when discussing particular relationship issues with him. “It’s mine and I’m not giving it back, so please stop asking me!” He said it as if she were bothering him. She continued to ask him and he continued to say “No.”
Finally, he became so aggravated with me and my unrelenting questioning of him, he left; he and with her key once again.
 She began to ponder “Why”? What was his reluctance for not giving me back the key? Why now did the key mean so much to him because before it seemed to have meant nothing. She wondered did the key still have meaning for him. Did it symbolize something that he felt he had lost? It was his choice to walk away from the life she thought they had built together. She tried to give him the family he said he never had and desperately wanted, but in the end it turns out that she wanted it more than he did.
She was pregnant and he insisted that they needed to move to a bigger house; a place that they both could call home. They moved in together and she gave him a key to the house that they were supposed to make into our home together. However, he was the one who insisted on have a key to a home, but he was the one who walked away from our home and it is once again a broken house. Is it because of her constant rejection of him now, is this his way of holding on to me. Was it a game for him? Or were these feelings he was holding on to represented his reluctance to give her back the key? She kept asking myself, “Why does the key mean so much to him now… and why not then?”
Was it a gateway to the life he left behind… or a getaway from the life he is currently living? Was the key an escape for him? Did he realize that he made a mistake or is he trying to have the best of both worlds; to have his past and his present… all in one?
“Why?” She continued to ask herself “is this so intriguing to me? Why didn’t she get her locks change and be done with it?” That would have been very simple for her to do. With each moment, She became more and more consumed about the meaning of the key. It was like a plague attacking her thoughts with no mercy. Why hadn’t she had the landlord come and change the locks? She had threatened to do so many times before and then she could have been done with the whole situation. All at once, she became overwhelmed with this one thought… what does the key represent for me?
Does the key open more than my front door? What is it about the key that still tied us together? She kept asking herself constantly three questions all day: Why can’t I let this go? Why can’t he give it back to me? Why is this consuming me so? And then it hit her like a bolt of lightning… “NO!” She exclaimed to herself. “This can’t be…Me…huh…still in love… with him…and in his own dysfunctional way… he is still in love with me?” And everything started to make sense to her. With this acknowledgement it was like the medicine she needed to stop the poison rapidly invading her mind. She realized at that moment that the key symbolized the love that they once shared and obviously still did. Not only was he holding on to her with the key, but she was holding on to him with the key as well.
It made her realize that she was fooling herself into thinking that she was over him. She was just going through the motions but actually she was still in love with him. The thought sickened her at first and continued to sicken her because she was always the one who never looked back. She prided herself on the fact that she lived by the motto of: "Love them and Leave them!" Yep, that was her motto. When she was done, she was done! However, something was different this time and she needed to face "HER" truth. With this, she also needed to accept it and deal with HER truth. 
Click Picture to Enlarge
This insight was so profound to her. She began to understand why people say that love can be represented in many different ways… A kiss, a hug, and even a kind word or gesture… but it never occurred to her that love could be represented with a key. See, when we as people, feel we are losing something that we really sincerely do love, we will hold on to anything that symbolizes that love for us. That’s why he would not give her the key back and that’s why she could not make herself take the necessary steps to get her locks changed.
She thought and began to have a , "What am I to do now?" She had never felt this way before about any man. Yes, she had played the "love game" before she thought, but who really knows what love truly is until you reach that defining point in your life. She realized that all those other relationships were just lust not love. She was able to walk away with her heart and pride intact, but in this case, she did not have the strength or the will to walk away.
“Was this her punishment for all the hearts she had broken along the way?” she pondered, “Was that bitch karma out to get her because she took all of the previous men for granted? Claiming she loved them…needed them…using them for their time… money… even their sex? Which one really did love her and she took his feelings for granted? Disregarding him like he was an old pair of worn out shoes? Was he getting his revenge for all of them? Was he getting revenge like a woman scorned? Waiting to catch her off-guard so he could strike? Did she really deserve that… or the kids? Why? Oh why?... she thought... is this happening to her and what did she do to deserve this?”
She tried to get those thoughts out of her mind by doing some odds and ends around the house, but her mind would always unrelenting would drift back like it had a will of its’ own. She felt out of control and could not control her own thoughts. It was like her whole body was being possessed by this one merciless thought. She could not think of anything else and it became so overwhelming and annoying to her. She became so frustrated with herself and these unrelenting thoughts that she became angry. She angrily thought, “Why do I care and why can’t I let this man go on about his way?” She began to ask herself, “What the hell is wrong with you girl, you better get it together!”
Then she began to remember all the good and bad times they shared together. All the laughter and the tears. She remembered how he was so gentle with her during the times she was sick. Nursing her back to health while taking care of the household. These thoughts made her cry and her heart began to soften. Than all of a sudden a flashback! A flashback of that dreadful day he tore their family apart with his betrayal and departure. His half-hearted excuse why he had deceived her and she became angry again. “How could she still entertain the thought of still loving him after all the hurt and pain he has caused her and their family?" she angrily asked herself. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep around three in the morning. 
 After a restless night, she began to get myself ready work. Her day began as usual and she was exhausted. She to a lukewarm shower to see if it would rejuvenate her. She got the kids off to school and fixed herself a light breakfast. Not feeling much like eating, she gave the food to her dog that was waiting patiently for something to hit the floor so he could happily consume it. She gathered her things and began to walk out the door. She unlocked her car door, got in and started it up as usual. She sat there for a minute or two to gather her thoughts and began to drive down the street. As she was driving, a thought hit her like a bolt of lightening and the car came to a screeching halt! 
        At the moment I realized why "The Key" was so symbolic. See, as I sat there with shock and disbelief on my face, I realized that "The Key" symbolized more than a key that opened doors to enter my house... I realized in that moment that "The Key" was the only key that ever had truly opened the doors... to my heart!
~ejnosillA~

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