Soulful Sundays: Why is the Poor, Single Black Mother Always the Blame... What-A-Bout the Missing-In-Action Dads?!?

"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace be unto You"

Soulful Sundays: Why is the Poor, Single Black Mother Always the Blame... What-A-bout the Missing-In-Action Dads?!?

As I watched the news and videos that were discussing the Miami Facebook tragedy of the little Black girl who committed suicide live on Facebook and the controversy surrounding the missing Black girls in the D.C. area, I was intrigued how the YouTube video vloggers were covering these two stories.  

Before I go any further, I want to send my condolences to the mother who child publicly committed suicide on Facebook and send my prayers out to the family as well as to the mothers and other family members of the missing teenage girls in the D.C. area.  I do recognize that both of these situations are tragic and as a mother, I would be devastated if my child chose to kill themselves rather it be on Facebook or in the privacy of our home… the shock and the horror would be devastating to me.

On the other hand, I have felt the pains of a child running away from home and I didn’t know where he was or what the hell was going on. That fear is a fear that I would not want anyone to ever experience… the fear of the unknown is indescribable for me… especially when it comes to a love one as dear to me as my child! Let’s begin…

As the Black vloggers showed different video clips and discussed their opinions, I begin to notice that my opinions… based on what was shown… was considerably different from theirs. See as I began to analyze and study their commentaries, I noticed that their interpretations were coming from a place of hurt and it transcended across the television screen.

As I paid more attention, I noticed that the lens that they were using to assess the situations was not an objective one, but were one of a Black child who comes from a dysfunctional-single parent… probably mom or grandmother raised them… home while my interpretations comes more from a motherly lens… one who knows the frustration of being a single mother raising five children alone.

At the time, this really pissed me off… and I think I am still a little ticked about these commentaries… because as a single mother, it seems the blame is always placed on us, but no one every seems to place any of the blame on the missing-in-action fathers?!? Than to make things even worse, they were prejudging before the whole story came out… now I don’t know what has changed, but I am talking about something I saw a few of days ago.

I began to wonder… as I often do in these situations… Why is it that we immediately jump on the Black single mothers, but somehow the missing-in-action fathers get a free pass?!? In every one of the commentaries… NOT ONE… and I mean… NOT ONE… even stopped to mention anything about the missing dad of these young Black teenage girls. 

As usual, they seemed to outright blame… oh excuse me… they didn’t seem to they did… outright blame the Black single mothers without any real evidence and collectively generalized their situations. Meaning, all single Black mothers… or other single mothers from different ethnic/racial backgrounds… aren’t always the aggressor… can’t they be the victim sometimes?

I feel I need to clarify something here because I oftentimes find myself being accused of always speaking on the Black woman's plight and issues that concern us and some feel that these situations can also apply to the White single mothers or women of the world... and that is true... However, I am not negating the experiences of other single mothers from other diverse ethnic/racial backgrounds, but it seems to me that the negative media focus is not on them, but on us and more importantly... I have to speak my truths from my experiences and my perspective which in this case... is a Single Black mother's perspective! Moving along...

As I stated earlier, I have experienced my middle child… my son… going missing on several occasions. As we speak… he is missing-in-action and I told his hard headed azz to be home yesterday, but it is what it is! See, he has always had this mentality that he is going to do what he is going to do when he wants to do it and the hell with everybody else!... his counselors and psychiatrist stated something about him having a disregard for authority and his insubordination stemmed from me not allowing him to have more freedom… can you believe that BS! NO his insubordination comes from him wanting to be grown and not listen to his mother who is the parent!

As a mother who has had countless White people who have come in and out of my home because of his grown and blatant disrespectful azz... they seemed to look about 12-years-old… not being racist or discriminating against them because of their age… but real talk… have come in my home and blatantly told me… in so many words… that I am a bad mother because I won’t let him do what he wants to do and that is the cause of his bad behaviors and choices.

Do you know how outdone I was and felt that these people had the nerves to come into my home and suggest to me that I need parenting classes because I seem to have anger or control issues because I won’t allow my son enough freedom and give him rewards for the good things he does… like making good grades, cleaning his room… or even… now this is the kicker… or even coming home on time and being good. I thought to myself then and even now… WHAT TYPE OF FOOLISHNESS IS THIS!?!

First of all… where the hell is my reward for raising his bad azz by myself and putting up with is constant disrespect and his foolery? Second of all… who the hell made up the rule that kids are supposed to be rewarded for things that they are supposed to do?!? I would like to see each one of those committee members to give them a piece of my mind! Finally… I be damned! Let me say it again because that felt so good… I be DAMNED… If I am going to reward bad behavior!

For example… now… if someone can please explain to me than leave your comments below…. How he gets rewarded for his good grades, but has been suspended for fighting all week… Girl… on the first day… hell… school hadn’t even started… was walking to go to school on the first day of the school year… and this happened twice… but he gets a reward for a good grade?!? OR let’s say he completed his chores once during a 7-day period… now I am supposed to reward him for that… Hold On… what about those other 6 days that he was raising hell throughout here and being grown?!? You can go on with the mess… Bye Felecia!

My position was that because if these people would have bothered to read the damn case file, they would have discovered that I… yes… I said... I… was the one who brought the case against my son… I did what the police couldn’t do… I was the one who called the HEAD prosecutor’s office and made a paper trail on his azz to cover mines because I knew that the system, society and… unfortunately… the Black community would blame me… my Black single mother and low-income status for his behaviors!!!

It wasn’t me… hell, I was the victim... it was my child, but they were sitting in my home looking at me with the side eye! Hell… he was the one running away from home… I wasn’t… wanted to, but didn’t. Now I am not saying that there wasn’t a level of dysfunction in my household, but it was nothing compared to what he was running to… hell… let’s keep it real… it’s level of dysfunction in every household, but I am owning up to mines and  using it as today's lesson… but the problem was that he wanted to be free like the kids he was hanging around.

You know the ones that you have told your kids time and time again that you don't want them hanging around with because you don't want them picking up their bad behaviors... the ones who come from really dysfunctional homes... parents selling drugs or out partying or the combination of the two… kids were stylishly dressed but wearing stolen goods, selling drugs, in a gang, kids could smoke, drink, cuss with… hell even cuss at… or around their parents… kids coming and going without any parental supervision… you know That Hood s*** or mentality… you know… HOMES WITH NO RULES OR CONSEQUENCES… He couldn’t do all of that unnecessary s*** in my house… so he would run away!

Click Image to Enlarge

As these young White people would flood into my home… and me once again quietly, looking at them with the side eye while assessing the situation… with their prejudgments, parenting plans, and a list of things I need to do… or gonna do… or needs to be done before the next court date… a realization came to my mind... I believe it was their second or third visit...

With my head tilted slightly looking up in the air with a confused look on my face… you know the one you make when you are listening enough to continue the conversation flowing, but your mind is racing because something is afoot… at that moment…  I realized that he wasn’t the one on trial here… but it was ME! How in the hell am I on trial, but he is the one acting a damn fool… oh hell NO… I betcha not going to do this s*** to me and then… I began to speak up… and I spoke up loudly and with an attitude!

See the first thing I started doing is checking their azzez… whether it be sitting down… standing up... at the damn door… even sometimes with a beer in my hand because I am grown, had a hard day and now I have to sit here and listen to their textbook nonsense... furthermore, I did nothing wrong! See… I put that fake persona away and let ejnosillA out because this was my life and my son’s life and with that… I have some rules and regulations in place and these people have violated everyone of them!

I quickly established that they won’t be coming into my house telling me what the hell I am going to do… better do or anything else… because if they would have taken out the time to check out their huge azz files… that you obviously did not read before getting here, but who could blame them because his file was about an inch and half thick… they would have known that I am the one who brought the case again him! I did their jobs… meaning… the police, prosecutors, other courthouse staffers’ jobs!

With that and furthermore… please call me Ms. and not by my first name because I know I am much older than you and kids have to put a handle before my name before they even think about addressing me… As far as the court date… YOU… and I mean YOU… need to talk to HIM… and I mean HIM… about that because once again… I brought the case against him and I am not on trial and I haven’t decided if I am going to take the time off my job… ONCE AGAIN… to go down there and deal with this foolishness!! Like my grandmother used to say… one monkey don’t stop no show and I have four other children to fend for…

Better yet... Why don't they call his dad since I am the bad guy... oh you did... and he hasn't reached out... How about that... well why don't you take your college educated smart azzez over to his house and give him the business while you are over here looking at me... the victim... with your side eyes!!! Oh I get it... so he pays his $100.00 a month in child support for two kids and that is considered is fatherly contribution while I put up with the hell from his child because he is missing out of his life... once again... Bye Felecia!!! 

See... I took this stance because while you are sitting in here meddling with the victim, the real problem is this boy missing his dad... you mean to tell me that you want me to believe that your textbooks didn't disclose that to you... hecks mines did... its Psychology 101!!! I had this unprofessional, but real reaction because I am just as educated as them. 

Meaning, I did my homework and I researched the system and tapped into my resources… you gotta think corporate when dealing with these people… it's about what you know and about who you know! You are going to need to use these skills and resources when dealing with the court system or they will jack you up! Just Saying!

See, I played their assumptions about my Black single… assumed to be uneducated…, low-income status against them and turned it around in my favor. Not only did they end up seeing my side of things, but some heads got to rolling when I started making phone calls to their supervisors and upper management about their disrespectful behaviors... see you must realize... everyone has someone to answer to and you keep pushing forward until you get the results that are fair to you and your situation. They didn’t realize that I have an awesome support system from politicians and even representatives of the schools he and my other children attended that could and would testify on behalf of me if it came to that... but they do now!!! Just Saying!

Hell… they were sitting in my house commenting on a prestigious award that my children and I were nominated for and won in the category for “Challenged and Most Successful” family of the year… and they still allowed themselves to be blinded by their misguided socio-cultural ideologies that they weren’t clued in on who they were dealing with! Did they not see or hear my billboard, television or radio commercial ads representing our community college’s TRIO program?

2009 Heartland Family Service Salute to Families Award for “Challenged & Successful” 

See, I was one of the Black single mothers whose face was familiar within the community as well as well-known by all of the staff including the police officers stationed at my children’s schools… hell… they would even sign off on my warning tickets and would advise me to go to court and fight it because I was usually in the right, but didn’t want the headaches because I was down there it seemed like every week because of this boy! Those White children… oops court officers… were used to playing checkers with the single mothers in the Black communities, but I was playing chess… the advanced version! They weren’t expecting that.

I say all of this to say… look at my situation... we as people need to stop judging a book by its cover and believing the hype… especially the Black men within our communities! Why can’t we stand behind our single Black mothers besides tearing them down? Why can’t we get to the root of our issues instead of blasting them all over the news to further humiliate us and to illuminate our faults? Why don’t we put a coalition of Black men… yep, I said it… of BLACK MEN together and round up those missing-in-action fathers so they can stand on trial with us… we collate for everything else?!?

When are we going to realize that majority of the news will showcase the bad, but rarely do they feature the good unless it really has something to do with some celebrity or some White foolery? Think about it… how many times has a news story broke and we all ran to prejudgment, but when the real story finally came out, there was little or no news coverage of the story… You know why… because drama sells and we as people have been conditioned to seek out the drama and revel in it.

News outlets and other media sources are used as propaganda tools to continue to perpetuate Black single mothers who have a low-income status, in a damning light to keep us in an inferior state of mind. As members of society… sadly, we fall for it every time! So my single motherly advice to single mothers, regardless of ethnicity/race… you better stop playing checkers and learn to play chess when it comes to your life and your children lives… and I am talking to ALL single mothers regardless of ethnicity/racial background. 

I don’t care if you are Latina, Asian, Pacific Islander mothers… hell even the White low-income single mothers who are raising mixed children… these people mean us no good and all single mothers get a bad wrap because of the few. We live in a society that views anything that goes against societal White male norms is a danger to their traditional societal/social orders.

Regardless, of the situation, you have the right to speak up and you should speak up loudly!  Don’t let these White looking educated kids or your kids… hell any kids… keep coming in your homes and thinking they can run over you… you have rights! So speak up and speak up loudly! Even if you don’t have a high school/GED diploma or a college degree… you got some book smarts, street smarts but above all… YOU GOT COMMON SENSE… and they can’t teach that in the universities!!!

ejnosillA’s Final Thoughts

In closing… Now, if you fall into the category of a trivalent, no good mother than this post is not for you and you need your azz whooped!!! No just kidding, but you really do need to seek out some help so you can reach your GOD given potential as a women and especially as a mother. I know that raising kids by yourself in an improvised environment has many trials and tribulations, but I had to seek out the necessary assistance to better mine as well as my children’s wellbeing.

Throughout my journeys as a single Black mother raising the FAB FIVE, I have had to seek out counsel from other single mothers to get me through some of my situations and I was privileged enough that ALLAH heard my silent cries and allowed these women to become mentors to me. They did not judge me, but were compassionate to my situation.

They helped me to realize that I could do it and encouraged me to do so. See society had threw me away… and maybe that is how you are feeling… but you are worthy and we all make mistakes as parents… hecks… I have made plenty… these kids weren’t born with a child handbook… but these amazing women… from diverse ethnic/racial backgrounds, economic and social statuses… gave me the necessary tools and resources for me to have the courage to face my adversities.

2009 Ehite Allison Success Story Video

They didn’t hold my hand and coming running every time I became overwhelmed, but they were always just a phone call away to lend their support and wisdom. They allowed me grow… checked me when need be… but they allowed me to develop the skillsets I needed to be a better me and that allowed me to be empowered!

So please ladies… whoever you may be… please seek out the necessary resources so you can live a more productive and healthier life! Hecks... just click the link here: Resources for Single Low-Income Mothers... and get the assistance you need and deserve... Because when you know better… you do better and that is what will make a difference in your life especially within your relationship with your children… it has for me and my son.

Although, he knows how to pull my strings… by the way… he still hasn’t made it home and he is not a runaway... just a hardheaded 19-year-old who doesn't want to do his chores... and he gets on my nerves and I on his… we have a better and closer relationship because I stopped… and took a look at myself. If you want to truly change your circumstances than stop trying to change the people/children around you… and start by changing yourself!

Remember… true change starts with the person within… Just Saying!

Stay Blessed Queens!

~ejnosillA

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