"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace be unto you"
Soulful Sundays: Forgiveness is not Just a Formality...
It's a State of Mind!!!
It's a State of Mind!!!
As I sit here trying to catch up on all of the ratchetness… called
reality television… and trying to figure out what today’s topic will be… I have
noticed a common theme… these women don’t know how to truly forgive each other
and move on…
Once again… if somebody… Phadera… would have dealt with their true feelings internally instead of “faking the funk” they would have been able to truly move pass this because everyone else’s lives have.
The True Essence of Forgiveness
Ladies, forgiveness allows us to move past these negative feelings. By letting go of the damaging feelings that you might be harboring by allowing us to begin our journey to having a more positive outlook.
Now some may say it’s because they have run out of material…
so we must keep revisiting old… drug out storylines… and at first I agreed… but
as I analyze the situation more closely, it seems that the reason for these
storylines being presented… is not only to boost ratings because we all know
drama sells… but these women have not truly forgiven each other and
constructively dealt with whatever betrayals they feel another has inflicted on
them.
It’s ironic… that it seems like their “fake” realities have
somehow intertwined with their “real” realities and these women are having a
hard time getting past these bumps in the road…
Ladies, have you ever been so mad or hurt about a situation
in which you felt that somebody wronged you or even hurt your feelings?
Think
about it… in this moment there are a flood of feelings flowing through you… you
know what I mean… you go from being mad, hurt, resentful or even sad… and at
this point you are entitled to these feelings… but if you stay in this state of
mind or hold on these negative feelings about the person/situation… how can you
truly have peace of mind and move on?
You may feel that you have forgiven and may have even said
to the other party that you forgive them, but if you haven’t truly faced the
problem… so you can truly heal… and opened your heart to truly forgive… you
might find that old wound being reopened… later on down the road…
Don’t believe
me… okay… I will use situations from the recently aired episodes of our
favorite reality television shows… First up… Bitter Basketball Ex-Wife of LA…
or Miami… hecks… I don’t know… Tami Roman… Let’s begin…
Tami Roman Versus
Evelyn Lozada
After leaving the Basketball Wives franchise in 2013… (I
believe she was on Basketball Wives Miami and left after Season 5… let me know
in the comments section below if I am wrong)… Evelyn went on to Los Angeles to
tape her own reality series on the OWN network, have baby and got engaged while
Tami was doing her thing… um… don’t quite know what it was… but she did end up
back on Basketball Wives LA… where she was brought in as Shaunie O’Neal’s
sidekick… anyways…
As Season 6 of Basketball Wives kicks off, we find out that
Evelyn and Tami still have beef… okay… it’s been 4 years now people… can we get
over it and move on… but it’s over the fact that Evelyn has been doing
interviews stating that she doesn’t mess with Tami… on a friendship type level…
and Tami is feeling some type of way about this… but in my opinion… it’s much
more than a simple interview… Just Saying!
On the flip side… Evelyn is feeling some type of way about
how her image is continuously being tarnished because on Season 2 of Basketball
Wives she was urged… by executive producer, Shaunie O’Neal… who is always
stirring up the foolishness while pretending to be above the nonsense and who
was only… in my opinion… thinking about the dollars and not the damages this
would cause to Tami and Evelyn’s budding friendship… I would have told her to
mind her business…
So, Shaunie urges Evelyn to tell Tami about sleeping with Tami’s ex-husband Kenny Anderson…which Evelyn claims that she didn’t know this famous basketball star was married… but you run in this circle of athletes… but didn’t know… okay… giving Evelyn the side eye... hecks… I don’t even really watch basketball, but even I knew that… Just Saying!
However, we find out from the show that Tami filed for divorce in 1998… but Evelyn slept with him in 1999… a couple of times… oh my… I hope I got all these dates right…THE FOOLISHNESS I TELL YOU… the foolishness… but Tami and Kenny’s divorce was not finalized until 2001, according to an article I found written by Damian Bellino, a VH1.com writer.
However, we find out from the show that Tami filed for divorce in 1998… but Evelyn slept with him in 1999… a couple of times… oh my… I hope I got all these dates right…THE FOOLISHNESS I TELL YOU… the foolishness… but Tami and Kenny’s divorce was not finalized until 2001, according to an article I found written by Damian Bellino, a VH1.com writer.
So Evelyn…girl… that proves that they were technically still married when you slept with Tami’s husband… and through all of this mess… the only thing that came out of it was the popular phrase… coined by Evelyn who patented it and also sold shirts with this on it… “You Are A Non Mother-F**kin' Factor, B***h!" That continues to a thorn in Tami’s side… and will
be for the rest of her life if she doesn’t deal with the internal feelings she
obviously has about this situation and truly forgive Evelyn… thus, moving on… Check
it out…
Now… in my opinion… if Tami would have truly worked out her feelings…
not with Evelyn, but within herself… she wouldn’t need to continue to hold on
to these negative feelings and would be in a better space. Next up…
The Fake Housewife of the ATL… yep… I am talking about Phadera Parks…
Phadera Parks Versus
Kenya Moore
Now, on Season 9 finale of the Housewives ATL, we find that
Phadera is still feeling some type of way towards Kenya and her flirtations
towards… ex-husband Apollo Nida… okay… wait a minute… I think it’s… might be or
soon to be… or going to be… hecks… with all the lies that are constantly coming
out of Phadera’s mouth… we don’t know…
However, a few things we do know are… she has
two sons… remember when she lied about her due date… she’s a liar… oops I mean
lawyer… and right now… she isn’t feeling that Kenya Moore… and their situation
can be classified as Fake Forgiveness.
Let's play catch up... throughout this season… we were lead to believe… and
apparently, Kenya is with us on this… that Phadera and Kenya’s relationship was
on the mend… I mean… these two women went on a road trip together, played
tennis together… and they even prayed together… but we find out with Kenya’s
unplanned… and really not well thought out… divorce party for Cynthia Bailey
and Phadera…
Phadera has been internally blaming Kenya as being one of the main factors of her divorce… or impending divorce… hecks… like I said… we really don’t know… but it’s funny that Cynthia’s divorce went thru without any hiccups and Phadera’s is sure taking a longtime to come to an close… this is turning out to be one of the longest divorce in Real Housewives history… Just Saying! Check it out…
Phadera has been internally blaming Kenya as being one of the main factors of her divorce… or impending divorce… hecks… like I said… we really don’t know… but it’s funny that Cynthia’s divorce went thru without any hiccups and Phadera’s is sure taking a longtime to come to an close… this is turning out to be one of the longest divorce in Real Housewives history… Just Saying! Check it out…
Once again… if somebody… Phadera… would have dealt with their true feelings internally instead of “faking the funk” they would have been able to truly move pass this because everyone else’s lives have.
The True Essence of Forgiveness
Ladies, forgiveness allows us to move past these negative feelings. By letting go of the damaging feelings that you might be harboring by allowing us to begin our journey to having a more positive outlook.
However, when we don’t truly forgive, we might find ourselves in an unfortunate situation of being stuck in the past… and not ever truly being able to move on with our lives in a more healthier manner… but on the flip side… the one that we feel that has wronged us… has kept it moving while we are stuck in our pasts.
According to the staff on MayoClinic.org, “Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”
Ladies, in order for you to reach a state of forgiveness or peace and serenity… the Mayo Clinic staff makes four suggestions:
- Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
- Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
- Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
So, as you begin to let go of your hurt, pain or even your resentment… it will allow you to really begin the healing process by allowing you to stop defining your situation by the negative feelings that you once felt; thus, allowing you to positively and compassionately move forward with your life… because while you are sitting around sulking about in the past… they have moved on in the present… Just Saying!!!
Applying Forgiveness to Tami and Phadera’s Situations
Okay… now… let me circle back to Tami… Phadera… and the topic at hand… Tami truly doesn’t know how to forgive and let go. See, Tami has been harboring these poisonous feelings for so long that she can’t truly move on, but Evelyn clearly has… and Tami really wants us to believe that it is ALL about interviews… now, I am giving Tami the side eye... with the grandma’s peer…
Really… Tami… you want us to believe that it’s really about some dang interviews that Evelyn did in which she only said that you two weren’t really friends… come on Tami… could it really be that your feelings are hurt because she slept with your ex-husband… along with the countless other women that have slept with Kenny… and could it be that it got aired out on television for the world to see? Check it out…
The truth of the matter is… once again, in my opinion… Tami is still really hurt behind the fact that Kenny cheated on her… period! Than to find out that it’s with someone who she is building a Sistahship with… which has really reopened an old wound… and then for this woman to tell her that she wasn’t really a factor in her own marriage… which… based on Tami’s reaction… must have had some truth in it from her…meaning Tami’s perspective… had to really sting.
Going off the clip… It really didn’t matter when Evelyn told her… you know how we always want someone to tell us the bad news at an earlier time… but think about it… what would it had really matter… whether Evelyn told her at the beginning when they met… that night or 5 years later… on down the line… Tami would have still had the same reaction and felt more violated as time went on… because she never truly dealt with Kenny’s countless infidelities… allegedly… during their marriage.
So, over these last four years, Tami has gone from being hurt to being angry about this situation… and the interviews just added further salt to her emotional… and never healing… wound.
Basically… Tami has revealed her “Hoe Card” and Evelyn can continue to use this… or anyone else for that matter… hecks… you can even use this against her… to sting Tami when they are having a disagreement or beef… unless she stops being the victim of her circumstances and really deals with this situation or the turmoil brewing with in her… she’s an easy target to get riled up!
See, Tami is too busy trying to be right… as usual in her situations and maybe yours… and trying to get Evelyn to apologize to her… instead of focusing on forgiving Evelyn so she can find peace and start the emotional healing process.
Instead of Tami realizing that if she truly does the emotional and spiritual homework within herself to forgive Evelyn… hecks…even Kenny… she will be taking away Evelyn’s power to continue to hurt her… and continue to say… in her confessionals… that Tami wasn’t and still isn’t a (bleep) factor!
See, Tami is too busy trying to be right… as usual in her situations and maybe yours… and trying to get Evelyn to apologize to her… instead of focusing on forgiving Evelyn so she can find peace and start the emotional healing process.
Instead of Tami realizing that if she truly does the emotional and spiritual homework within herself to forgive Evelyn… hecks…even Kenny… she will be taking away Evelyn’s power to continue to hurt her… and continue to say… in her confessionals… that Tami wasn’t and still isn’t a (bleep) factor!
Unlike Tami… Phadera is a type of woman who tells you she forgives you, but truly is harboring animosity towards you… and always wants to be the victim.
She is the type that is always looking for a way to get even when she feels that someone has done her wrong… in Phadera’s mind… you have done her dirty!
She's too busy plotting her next move against you… she truly will never forgive you… and missing out on the opportunity to heal and grow from this situation... with these factors in place... this makes a type of person like Phadera… dangerous to be around!
She’s so bitter and vengeful that she says she accepts your apology, but secretly she still feels wronged and really doesn’t have it in her heart to forgive… at this moment. Therefore, Phadera is unwilling and not ready to do the internal work to start the healing process… and Kenya really needs to accept that and move on… Just Saying!
ejnosillA’s Final Thoughts
In closing, Ladies, we must learn to forgive others who we feel have wronged us… not for them… but for ourselves. We sometimes confuse forgiveness with a verbal “it’s all good” or a “oh Girl, I accept your apology… we good,” but in all actuality… forgiveness comes from within.
We as women, have all been hurt in some way or fashion by someone we love, trust and hold dear to our hearts. These internal wounds can leave us with long-lasting feelings of bitterness, resentment, irritation or annoyance, anger and even… vengeance or a feeling of wanting to get even… when they aren’t properly dealt with.
In my life, I have oftentimes said I that I forgive somebody, but in my heart… the betrayal was so deep that I truly wasn’t ready or in an emotional state to forgive them. I only forgave them to give them peace of mind or to be cool within the relationship, but I was still harboring hurtful feelings about the situation.
So basically, I was verbally forgiving them on the outside… but on the inside, I truly had not forgiven them… and eventually those feelings festered and I began to feel resentment towards that person.
I have found that for me to truly forgive, I must do the emotional and spiritual homework and let go of those negative feelings and thoughts… to truly forgive that person deeply within myself as well as verbally mean it. I found that true forgiveness brings inner peace and allowed me to be in control… not my negative feelings or thoughts… or that person or situation.
You will find that while you are at home plotting and feeling a certain way about a person who has wronged you… those people have moved on and aren’t wasting anytime thinking about you and your hurt feelings… so why should you give them that power over you? So, let it go and get back to living your lives… because they are!
Remember… Forgiveness is not just a formality, but a state of mind that is intertwined with acceptance, compassion and love which can lift a lot of burdens off of you and your spirits… the true essence of forgiveness is not about the other person… it’s about you… so forgive that person… take your power back and keep it moving… Just Saying!!!
Please leave your comments and suggestions below... and as usual...
Stay Blessed Queens!
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Forgiving Others As I Seek ALLAH's Forgiveness |
~ejnosillA
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Let’s work together... Just Saying!!!
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Blog References
Bellino, D. (2016). Who says there are no wives on basketball wives? Here are the wedding photos of all the former and current wives. Retrieved from:
Mayo Clinic Staff. (n.d.) Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from:
Picture References
Ocean Background - Retrieved from: http://www.captainmel.com/
Forgiveness Picture - Retrieved from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/2c/a7/4d/2ca74d734cc028f766b34eaa96ade586.jpg
Quote Reference
Forgiveness Quotes - BrainyQuote- Retrieved from:
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_forgiveness.html
YouTube Video References & Links
Evelyn Lozada & Tami Roman Revisit The Past | Basketball Wives - Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/B8HyzTdx7-0
RHOA: Was Kenya Moore Disrespectful of Phaedra Parks' Marriage? (Season 9, Episode 18) | Bravo - Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/2sbFLDw8IvM
Evelyn Lozada & Tami Roman Revisit The Past | Basketball Wives - Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/B8HyzTdx7-0
"You Are A Non Mother-F**kin' Factor, B***h!" | Throwback Thursday | Basketball Wives. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/M1wiSawF7EM
Love your post! Now to add my two cents as a reality TV junkie (lol), using them is a good example, but a bad example as well. Why do I think it's bad? Because I think everything on those shows are fake and for television... Having said that, I agree with you. If we just say we forgive, but don't the necessary work within ourselves to let go of whatever the person did, or we think they did to us, we are doing ourselves a disservice as said person is living life not worried about what happened. Forgiveness is definitely for us not the person who offended us. I think once people understand that fact, they will be more prone to forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, I had to learn the hard way how to forgive. I have opened up so many blessings in doing so. This was for inspiring and I thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI actually haven't even been able to tune into either reality show for their current seasons. As misscoilyhair mentioned, I just find them fake and ridiculous and I can never get back that hour of tv that I wasted. But maybe if Nene comes back...I might tune back in lol. Great topic! Forgiving those who wronged is very hard but I am finding as I get older it actually feels good to lift that burden off your shoulders and move on.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Your post are thought provoking! Reading them definitely opens my thoughts and allows soul searching! Very deep!
ReplyDeleteGirl, you know your reality TV! :) My take on forgiveness is - the more you hold on the anger, the more power you give the other person over you. And who wants that?
ReplyDeleteI haven't watched these shows but now I'm curious to see for myself! I like your interpretation of it all!
ReplyDeleteI have a few people I need to forgive, but it can be so tough! Life would be easier, if forgiving people who have wronged us was simple.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, by not forgiving, we get stuck in a vicious cycle that only affects us negatively.
ReplyDeleteOh I totally agree with you forgiveness is a relief of a bad illness. We cannot keep negativity or bad vibes because that affects our soul and our everyday life.
ReplyDeleteI have come across a number of people who did bad things and I find it hard to forgive. I mean, I may, but it is not easy. If I come to the point that I do, the only thing that cannot be undone is to trust them again.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness can be difficult, but the alternative is so self-destructive. I have tried hard to forgive, but that does not mean I have forgotten.
ReplyDelete~Lorelai
Life With Lorelai
Love your post! Reading it strikes my brain that its better to forgive the people who has done wrong to you rather then wasting time over them.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness can be such a hard task. For the longest time I felt like I was making the wrong "okay" like you mentioned. Once you can easily forgive, though, it's so freeing! And it's reciprocal with our Father in heaven! “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” - 1 John 1:9
ReplyDelete