Soulful Sundays: Forgiveness is not Just a Formality... It's a State of Mind!!!

"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace be unto you" 

Soulful Sundays: Forgiveness is not Just a Formality... 
It's a State of Mind!!!

As I sit here trying to catch up on all of the ratchetness… called reality television… and trying to figure out what today’s topic will be… I have noticed a common theme… these women don’t know how to truly forgive each other and move on…

Now some may say it’s because they have run out of material… so we must keep revisiting old… drug out storylines… and at first I agreed… but as I analyze the situation more closely, it seems that the reason for these storylines being presented… is not only to boost ratings because we all know drama sells… but these women have not truly forgiven each other and constructively dealt with whatever betrayals they feel another has inflicted on them.

It’s ironic… that it seems like their “fake” realities have somehow intertwined with their “real” realities and these women are having a hard time getting past these bumps in the road…

Ladies, have you ever been so mad or hurt about a situation in which you felt that somebody wronged you or even hurt your feelings? 

Think about it… in this moment there are a flood of feelings flowing through you… you know what I mean… you go from being mad, hurt, resentful or even sad… and at this point you are entitled to these feelings… but if you stay in this state of mind or hold on these negative feelings about the person/situation… how can you truly have peace of mind and move on?

You may feel that you have forgiven and may have even said to the other party that you forgive them, but if you haven’t truly faced the problem… so you can truly heal… and opened your heart to truly forgive… you might find that old wound being reopened… later on down the road… 

Don’t believe me… okay… I will use situations from the recently aired episodes of our favorite reality television shows… First up… Bitter Basketball Ex-Wife of LA… or Miami… hecks… I don’t know… Tami Roman… Let’s begin…

Tami Roman Versus Evelyn Lozada

After leaving the Basketball Wives franchise in 2013… (I believe she was on Basketball Wives Miami and left after Season 5… let me know in the comments section below if I am wrong)… Evelyn went on to Los Angeles to tape her own reality series on the OWN network, have baby and got engaged while Tami was doing her thing… um… don’t quite know what it was… but she did end up back on Basketball Wives LA… where she was brought in as Shaunie O’Neal’s sidekick… anyways…

As Season 6 of Basketball Wives kicks off, we find out that Evelyn and Tami still have beef… okay… it’s been 4 years now people… can we get over it and move on… but it’s over the fact that Evelyn has been doing interviews stating that she doesn’t mess with Tami… on a friendship type level… and Tami is feeling some type of way about this… but in my opinion… it’s much more than a simple interview… Just Saying!

On the flip side… Evelyn is feeling some type of way about how her image is continuously being tarnished because on Season 2 of Basketball Wives she was urged… by executive producer, Shaunie O’Neal… who is always stirring up the foolishness while pretending to be above the nonsense and who was only… in my opinion… thinking about the dollars and not the damages this would cause to Tami and Evelyn’s budding friendship… I would have told her to mind her business… 

So, Shaunie urges Evelyn to tell Tami about sleeping with Tami’s ex-husband Kenny Anderson…which Evelyn claims that she didn’t know this famous basketball star was married… but you run in this circle of athletes… but didn’t know… okay… giving Evelyn the side eye... hecks… I don’t even really watch basketball, but even I knew that… Just Saying!

However, we find out from the show that Tami filed for divorce in 1998… but Evelyn slept with him in 1999… a couple of times… oh my… I hope I got all these dates right…THE FOOLISHNESS I TELL YOU… the foolishness… but Tami and Kenny’s divorce was not finalized until 2001, according to an article I found written by Damian Bellino, a VH1.com writer. 

So Evelyn…girl… that proves that they were technically still married when you slept with Tami’s husband… and through all of this mess… the only thing that came out of it was the popular phrase… coined by Evelyn who patented it and also sold shirts with this on it… “You Are A Non Mother-F**kin' Factor, B***h!" That continues to a thorn in Tami’s side… and will be for the rest of her life if she doesn’t deal with the internal feelings she obviously has about this situation and truly forgive Evelyn… thus, moving on… Check it out…

Now… in my opinion… if Tami would have truly worked out her feelings… not with Evelyn, but within herself… she wouldn’t need to continue to hold on to these negative feelings and would be in a better space. Next up… The Fake Housewife of the ATL… yep… I am talking about Phadera Parks…

Phadera Parks Versus Kenya Moore

Now, on Season 9 finale of the Housewives ATL, we find that Phadera is still feeling some type of way towards Kenya and her flirtations towards… ex-husband Apollo Nida… okay… wait a minute… I think it’s… might be or soon to be… or going to be… hecks… with all the lies that are constantly coming out of Phadera’s mouth… we don’t know… 

However, a few things we do know are… she has two sons… remember when she lied about her due date… she’s a liar… oops I mean lawyer… and right now… she isn’t feeling that Kenya Moore… and their situation can be classified as Fake Forgiveness.

Let's play catch up... throughout this season… we were lead to believe… and apparently, Kenya is with us on this… that Phadera and Kenya’s relationship was on the mend… I mean… these two women went on a road trip together, played tennis together… and they even prayed together… but we find out with Kenya’s unplanned… and really not well thought out… divorce party for Cynthia Bailey and Phadera… 

Phadera has been internally blaming Kenya as being one of the main factors of her divorce… or impending divorce… hecks… like I said… we really don’t know… but it’s funny that Cynthia’s divorce went thru without any hiccups and Phadera’s is sure taking a longtime to come to an close… this is turning out to be one of the longest divorce in Real Housewives history… Just Saying! Check it out…

Once again… if somebody… Phadera… would have dealt with their true feelings internally instead of “faking the funk” they would have been able to truly move pass this because everyone else’s lives have.

The True Essence of Forgiveness

Ladies, forgiveness allows us to move past these negative feelings. By letting go of the damaging feelings that you might be harboring by allowing us to begin our journey to having a more positive outlook. 

However, when we don’t truly forgive, we might find ourselves in an unfortunate situation of being stuck in the past… and not ever truly being able to move on with our lives in a more healthier manner… but on the flip side… the one that we feel that has wronged us… has kept it moving while we are stuck in our pasts.

According to the staff on MayoClinic.org, “Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”

Ladies, in order for you to reach a state of forgiveness or peace and serenity… the Mayo Clinic staff makes four suggestions:

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

So, as you begin to let go of your hurt, pain or even your resentment… it will allow you to really begin the healing process by allowing you to stop defining your situation by the negative feelings that you once felt; thus, allowing you to positively and compassionately move forward with your life… because while you are sitting around sulking about in the past… they have moved on in the present… Just Saying!!!

Applying Forgiveness to Tami and Phadera’s Situations

Okay… now… let me circle back to Tami… Phadera… and the topic at hand… Tami truly doesn’t know how to forgive and let go. See, Tami has been harboring these poisonous feelings for so long that she can’t truly move on, but Evelyn clearly has… and Tami really wants us to believe that it is ALL about interviews… now, I am giving Tami the side eye... with the grandma’s peer…

Really… Tami… you want us to believe that it’s really about some dang interviews that Evelyn did in which she only said that you two weren’t really friends… come on Tami… could it really be that your feelings are hurt because she slept with your ex-husband… along with the countless other women that have slept with Kenny… and could it be that it got aired out on television for the world to see? Check it out…

The truth of the matter is… once again, in my opinion… Tami is still really hurt behind the fact that Kenny cheated on her… period! Than to find out that it’s with someone who she is building a Sistahship with… which has really reopened an old wound… and then for this woman to tell her that she wasn’t really a factor in her own marriage… which… based on Tami’s reaction… must have had some truth in it from her…meaning Tami’s perspective… had to really sting.

Going off the clip… It really didn’t matter when Evelyn told her… you know how we always want someone to tell us the bad news at an earlier time… but think about it… what would it had really matter… whether Evelyn told her at the beginning when they met… that night or 5 years later… on down the line… Tami would have still had the same reaction and felt more violated as time went on… because she never truly dealt with Kenny’s countless infidelities… allegedly… during their marriage.

So, over these last four years, Tami has gone from being hurt to being angry about this situation… and the interviews just added further salt to her emotional… and never healing… wound. 

Basically… Tami has revealed her “Hoe Card” and Evelyn can continue to use this… or anyone else for that matter… hecks… you can even use this against her… to sting Tami when they are having a disagreement or beef… unless she stops being the victim of her circumstances and really deals with this situation or the turmoil brewing with in her… she’s an easy target to get riled up!

See, Tami is too busy trying to be right… as usual in her situations and maybe yours… and trying to get Evelyn to apologize to her… instead of focusing on forgiving Evelyn so she can find peace and start the emotional healing process.

Instead of Tami realizing that if she truly does the emotional and spiritual homework within herself to forgive Evelyn… hecks…even Kenny… she will be taking away Evelyn’s power to continue to hurt her… and continue to say… in her confessionals… that Tami wasn’t and still isn’t a (bleep) factor!

Unlike Tami… Phadera is a type of woman who tells you she forgives you, but truly is harboring animosity towards you… and always wants to be the victim. 

She is the type that is always looking for a way to get even when she feels that someone has done her wrong… in Phadera’s mind… you have done her dirty! 

She's too busy plotting her next move against you… she truly will never forgive you… and missing out on the opportunity to heal and grow from this situation... with these factors in place... this makes a type of person like Phadera… dangerous to be around! 

She’s so bitter and vengeful that she says she accepts your apology, but secretly she still feels wronged and really doesn’t have it in her heart to forgive… at this moment. Therefore, Phadera is unwilling and not ready to do the internal work to start the healing process… and Kenya really needs to accept that and move on… Just Saying!

ejnosillA’s Final Thoughts

In closing, Ladies, we must learn to forgive others who we feel have wronged us… not for them… but for ourselves. We sometimes confuse forgiveness with a verbal “it’s all good” or a “oh Girl, I accept your apology… we good,” but in all actuality… forgiveness comes from within.

We as women, have all been hurt in some way or fashion by someone we love, trust and hold dear to our hearts. These internal wounds can leave us with long-lasting feelings of bitterness, resentment, irritation or annoyance, anger and even… vengeance or a feeling of wanting to get even… when they aren’t properly dealt with.

In my life, I have oftentimes said I that I forgive somebody, but in my heart… the betrayal was so deep that I truly wasn’t ready or in an emotional state to forgive them. I only forgave them to give them peace of mind or to be cool within the relationship, but I was still harboring hurtful feelings about the situation. 

So basically, I was verbally forgiving them on the outside… but on the inside, I truly had not forgiven them… and eventually those feelings festered and I began to feel resentment towards that person. 

I have found that for me to truly forgive, I must do the emotional and spiritual homework and let go of those negative feelings and thoughts… to truly forgive that person deeply within myself as well as verbally mean it. I found that true forgiveness brings inner peace and allowed me to be in control… not my negative feelings or thoughts… or that person or situation. 

You will find that while you are at home plotting and feeling a certain way about a person who has wronged you… those people have moved on and aren’t wasting anytime thinking about you and your hurt feelings… so why should you give them that power over you? So, let it go and get back to living your lives… because they are! 

Remember… Forgiveness is not just a formality, but a state of mind that is intertwined with acceptance, compassion and love which can lift a lot of burdens off of you and your spirits… the true essence of forgiveness is not about the other person… it’s about you… so forgive that person… take your power back and keep it moving… Just Saying!!!

Please leave your comments and suggestions below... and as usual...

Stay Blessed Queens!

Forgiving Others As I Seek ALLAH's Forgiveness

~ejnosillA

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Blog References

Bellino, D. (2016). Who says there are no wives on basketball wives? Here are the wedding photos of all the former and current wives. Retrieved from: 

http://www.vh1.com/news/278305/basketball-wives-la-miami-cast-wedding-photos-shaunie-oneal-shaquille-tami-roman-kenny-anderson/

Mayo Clinic Staff. (n.d.) Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1

Picture References

Ocean Background - Retrieved from: http://www.captainmel.com/

Forgiveness Picture - Retrieved from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/2c/a7/4d/2ca74d734cc028f766b34eaa96ade586.jpg

Quote Reference

Forgiveness Quotes - BrainyQuote- Retrieved from:
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_forgiveness.html

YouTube Video References & Links

Evelyn Lozada & Tami Roman Revisit The Past | Basketball Wives - Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/B8HyzTdx7-0

RHOA: Was Kenya Moore Disrespectful of Phaedra Parks' Marriage? (Season 9, Episode 18) | Bravo - Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/2sbFLDw8IvM

"You Are A Non Mother-F**kin' Factor, B***h!" | Throwback Thursday | Basketball Wives. Retrieved from: https://youtu.be/M1wiSawF7EM