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Sunday, April 2, 2017

Soulful Sundays: Girl... You Got This... So, Please Stop Wasting Time Thinking About Him & Move On... He Did!!!

"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace be unto you"

Soulful Sundays: 
Girl... You Got This... So, Please Stop Wasting Time Thinking About Him & Move On... He Did!!!

During my journeys… and as my blog’s popularity grows… I have run into some amazing women from various backgrounds. During our talks and me probing them about what they wanted me to write about, amazingly… regardless of their ethnic/racial backgrounds, ages or social and economic statuses… the main subject that came up a lot was for me to talk about relationships.

Now during these various conversations, we talked about a lot of things… as I did a comedy act while trying my best to keep up with their questions… you really have to catch my live show… coming to your area real soon… no just kidding… The one conversation that really stuck out in my mind were my talks with a group of young ladies about 18 to 21 years of age, who asked me a very significant question: how do I keep a man?

First I thought to myself… okay… I must have thought out loud because that is how I found out everyone’s ages… how old are you and you have other things to think about besides a boy… You’re in college and trying to make your grades… you really don’t need the added distractions or drama that boys your ages bring about. So I basically asked them… “do you watch Love and Hippty Hop reality television franchise?”

They replied that they do… so I just simply told them to do the opposite of what you see those women doing on those reality shows and keep their eyes on the prize while staying in school... and you should be good!!! But I could see that they wanted more answers… okay… okay… they told me…

So I told them that I would write a blog just for them… so to Baby Girl Brewer, her crew and for all the women who are wondering… How do I keep a man... it's not really about him... it's about you and your wants... so, I want to start with the topics that are going to be highlighted in this blog post to get you thinking about self and not him or her... but you... so this one’s for you! Let’s begin…

Hold on... hold on... before we begin... now you must realize I don't have a crystal ball... I don't have mind reading skills and I don't know the details of your relationship and why it ended, but here are some basic reasons why your relationship might not have worked out the way you wanted it to... okay... now... Let's begin...

Know Your Worth

In knowing your worth, this means what are your features and benefits as a woman. A wise man always told me when it comes to business... I am going to apply his sentiments to relationships… okay… okay… my dad told me… but I had to say wise because he reads my blog… just kidding… he’s one of the wisest men I know… okay... where was I... okay... what are your features and benefits? What uniquely sets you apart from other women?

Think about it… when we watch television or on social media sites, we see a vast array of different commercials that are trying to sell us something we either need or want… but trying to convince us to buy their products or services.

They usually lead off with their products/services' features  and as the commercial progresses than they tell or show us the benefits of their products/services… Right?

So in relationships… what are your features and benefits? Once again… what makes you unique from the other countless women? Ask yourself… If you don’t know or value who you are, than how is he? What sets you a part from all the other women that are vying for this man’s attention?

We as women often find ourselves vying for a man’s affection and adjusting our behaviors to what we think he may like to keep him or to outdo the other woman… but what about your needs and do you know how exhausting that will become... pretending to be one way all the time? What's going to happen when the real you starts shining through?!?

For example… I am really trying to pick one from all of this ratchet reality television that can illuminate what I am talking about… but all the relationships have some level of ratchetness attached to it… so let me think… I may have to piece somethings together here… okay… okay… I got it…

Take Love and Hippty Hop ATL, remember when Mimi found out about Joseline and Stevie J.’s relationship… okay… I know that later on we found out that Joseline and Stevie J.’s relationship started off because of a threesome between the three, but let’s go back before that information was realized… if Mimi would have known her worth and kept it pushing… don’t you think he would have noticed that… but instead, she kept pretending or portraying herself to be above and beyond the foolery, but a few more episodes and seasons later... she is getting down and dirty with the rest of them!

Do you realize that women like that are a dime a dozen, but a flawless diamond is rare… You don’t need to devalue yourself like a Mimi or Joseline to get that man… know your worth ladies! Just Saying! This leads me to my next point…

Listen to What He’s Saying

We would all like to believe that our “sh** don’t stink” like the elders would say, but it does! You know… the number one thing that gets us women in trouble is we don’t listen and pay attention to the signs. In essence, men usually will let you know what he wants, but we as women don’t hear that because we are too busy listening to that inner voice that is negating everything that this man has said.

See, while he was telling us that he just wanted to have a good time and find someone to chill with… in our minds as this conversation is going on, we’re like… I know he said this, but I got plans for his azz and by the time the last word comes out of his mouth… we got this man married with children!

Instead of playing the game by taking it slow, we start jumping into things because we got plans for this man, but we really didn’t take the time to hear what his needs and wants are… we just went on what we needed and wanted to make us whole.

For example, take Love and Hippty Hop Hollywood… Hazel-E and Yung Berg… how many times did that man tell her that he wasn’t looking to settle down with her and he was going to… now I said… was going to keep talking to other women.

Dr. Maya Angelou
He gave her the option to either put up with his shenanigans or she could step… now a normal woman would have just kept it moving… but not Hazel-E. Than later on down the line we find out that there is another… or two or three… but we know definitely… there was one! 

This all could have been avoided if she would have listened to what he was saying and understood his true, vocalized intentions towards you and accepting that. Remember the words of the iconic Dr. Maya Angelou... that I mentioned before in a previous blog post...

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"... and I am adding... tells you whether it be once or over and over again... Believe Him too!!!

Don’t Expect More Than They Are Willing To Give

This one plays off of the above mentioned point, please stop expecting more than one is willing, able to or told you that they can give you. Stop changing the rules within your relationship when someone has clearly stated what they are willing or able to give to you and your relationship.

This is a simple one and can be easily explained by example #3… which will once again come from Love and Hippty Hop Hollywood. In the case of Masika, Fetty Wap and their new bundle of joy… We could clearly see… or rather… I could clearly see that this man didn’t want to be in a relationship with Masika… and I am only basing my opinions on what was on the show and not on all the ratchet social media coverage of their private, but public situation.

We could clearly see that she wanted more than a father for their daughter, Masika was trying to make it a package deal whereas he was depicted as just wanting to forgo the drama and be a father to his child.

History has shown that you can’t make a father be a dad and you damn for sure can’t make somebody love or want you… so Masika clearly needs to put her needs and wants aside so that Fetty Wap will take on his fatherly duties for his child.

If you're in this situation or have been living under a rock… well let me be the first to introduce you to this old concept… but obviously a new one for you… a baby can’t keep a man! Once you learn that… than you will be able to move on with your life… which brings me to my next point…

Learn to Graciously Walk Away & Stop Comparing/Competing with Other Women

We have already established that some women never listen to what a man is conveying to them within the first few interactions with this man because the signs are always there, but they ignore them because of their own selfish desires. However, why do we go into competing and comparing ourselves to other women as if that is the real problem? The other woman… or even the man in this matter… is not the problem… It’s YOU!

We as scorned women have a bad habit of trying to knock down the other woman in these instances, but your problem is not with her, but with your relationship!

See, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we all know that men are visual creatures. So it really doesn’t matter how she looks… It’s nothing sadder to me when I hear other women talk about what they got that she ain’t got, how she looks and sexes better than her… and the latter for me is how do you know if you aren’t in the bed with them… but to each their own… or whatever other comparisons their mind comes up with.

The reality of the situation is that they are basing things on their interpretations, but it solely should be based on him and what he likes. Nonetheless, their pride or vanity seems to allow them to overlook that one fact and they really need to stop that!

I really can’t think of any examples, so for this one, I will use my inner monologue to kick this point on home…

When I am privy to these types of situations, I often find myself being amazed that they have somehow made themselves the victim when he has told them and showed them through his actions or disregard towards her feelings... what he wanted.

However, she chose not to listen or pay attention… so now the other woman becomes the object of her misplaced aggressions, bitterness and pain!

I find myself thinking… and then out loud saying… instead of taking out your misfortunes on her or competing with her, why not chose to graciously walk away and take this unfortunate episode of your life and use it as a learning resource so you don’t make the same mistake twice?!? 

There is nothing classier than a woman, walking away when a man has tried to devalue her self-worth.

Walking away gracefully shows all that are involved that you have a higher level of self-worth and respect for yourself and/or your boundaries. I think I've said this before earlier... but it warrants repeating... if you don’t respect you… than he dang for sure isn’t!!

As far as the other woman, you are leading by example, so graciously walk away and wish them the best… this is the best revenge you can have on her… She thinks she has won now, but from my experiences… later on down the road… she would have wished she had did the same after he takes her through the wringer.

Don’t believe me… seek out some of your old competition and if they are a real woman… she will tell you and most likely… you two will probably end up laughing about the situation and apologizing to each other… that’s what Boss Women do who respect the Sistahood!!! Just saying and moving on…

Don’t Get Petty and Vent on Social Media

Here’s another one from Joseline and Stevie J… it has to do with social media and her blasting Stevie J. all over it and making false allegations… let it go Ladies because he has let you go! Get over it and keep it moving… There’s nothing more pitiful than to see a woman keep trying to be relevant in a man’s life who clearly doesn’t want her anymore.

Stop turning your life into a Bitter Bitch Lifetime story on social media and just move on! Yes, I know you are hurt and want to get back at him and her… or the whole dang world for that matter… but you got to move on!

If you find that you need to vent, call a friend or a love one that you trust that will give you great advice or will kick out some old school wisdom. Use them as a lifeline when you feel yourself getting weak and ready to lash out on social media… better yet, unfriend him, his friends and family members. The less you know the less likely you are to respond to the foolishness and/or get your feelings hurt.

Side Note: Please don’t take advice from other bitter women… how do I know… because I used to be one… meaning when one is going through a bitter break up… that bitterness unwittingly flows into the conversation and most likely pours out in the bitter advice that they are giving out… 

I was not objective enough at that time to give out sound advice because I was going through my own hurt and pain! When seeking advice from another bitter woman… you must remember that they too can’t see the sun because of the clouds… so how can they clearly give you advice when they are too experiences the same pain?!?

I meant well and so do they, but when one’s head is clouded or until they are healed and in a better space… consider that advice to be tainted… Just Saying and let’s continue…

So please and I am begging you to don’t take to social media to air out your relationship problems or grievances.

All that does is make you look desperate and bitter. Stop taking your private beef to a public forum for all to judge and probably tear your azz up because you are looking like Meek Mills or the “Loser” in this situation… you see how they tore his butt up on social media over Safaree’s other Nicki…

If you decide to take it to social media, than be prepared for the backlash!!! Think about it… why start something you aren’t mentally ready to finish… we know all it would take is for her or him… hecks if you keep antagonizing him… it can easily turn into a them… to post a picture of them cuddling up with a caption stating: chillin with my boo after a romantic evening… of doing whatever?!? Take my advice Ladies… Don’t start nothing that your heart can’t handle…

Look at Joseline… she started all of that stuff with Stevie J. on social media while pregnant with his baby… and you know how he got her back…. He went to social media and started posting pics with captions of him and Faith Evans… now I know that you know that Joseline has undoubtedly compared herself to Faith Evans and deduced that Faith was out of her league to mess with.

This realization could be because of Faith’s higher economic status, accomplishments… and above all… how she carries herself in a more sophisticated manner… you can tell that Faith knows who she is and her self-worth… so that is why those picture posts hurt Joseline to her core…. 

But if she would stop trying to convince all how she is the baddest chick in the game by comparing and competing with other women, she would have recognized that she was better than the image that she was putting out there!

Final Thoughts from ejnosillA

Ladies, in closing… please and I say this with love… please do find something to do with yourself besides being messy! One thing that I can say about the women on these reality shows is that they have something going on in their lives and “Got Things to Do!” So there is no need to sit around the house being bitter and plotting your next revenge move because the best revenge is to keep your life positively moving forward!

Take the time out to find out what you like to do and what makes you happy. Pick up a new habit because you already dropped a bad one… meaning your ex man. Find something that brings meaning back into your life that is solely about you and your happiness!

Stop wasting your time wondering about him and her because they're not wasting time thinking about you... so spend this time getting you back together! Go out and hang out with friends. Do fun, lighthearted activities with family to take your mind off of your pain… Write in a journal of your feelings and maybe turn that into a book or a blog… I don’t know, but spend your precious time trying to figure out you... and not wasting it on him, her or them… Just keep moving positively forward as much as you can…

Remember…. Healing comes from living in the present and not in the past… so try living in your present and for your future goals, dreams and aspirations… try to make your life and existence as positive as possible… Just Saying!!!

Stay Blessed Queens!!!


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