Recent Posts

Monday, June 26, 2017

Breaking the Generational Cycles From Mothers to Daughters Series: Are You Passing Your Relationship Insecurities Unto Your Daughters!?

"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace Be Unto You"
RedefiningHERstory Presents:
Breaking the Generational Cycles From 
Mothers to Daughters Series Part I:
Are You Passing Your Relationship Insecurities Unto Your Daughters?!?


As I was strolling along the different avenues on Tha Book... just checking out what was going on in my various private groups I'm a member of... when I noticed that there were a lot of women publicly and bitterly hashing out their private relationship problems with their significant others on Facebook… saying stuff that alluded that there was a major betrayal and what would think kids think?!? 

However, something came to my mind: “I wonder how many of these women are passing along these same vicious and bitter sentiments unto their daughters and more importantly… have I?!?”


As I sat there… shaking my head and silently saying um uh, Girl you need to stop this foolishness right now… I was reminded of something my mother once said to me. 

She said that she feared that I would never get married because she inadvertently taught my sister and I how to hate Black men, instead of loving them for the Kings that they are. 

At that moment… I could hear her and her friends chiming in saying to me: “Girl… You gotta keep your foot on that man’s neck... if you want him to act right!”

Well… as I sit back and reflect on this piece of wisdom that she and her dearest friends so eloquently laid on me, I remember… thinking… 

“How the hell am I going to put my foot on his neck… he’s standing at 6’3 and I am only 5’7 and three-quarters... I can’t stretch my leg that high… it seems rude to do it while he’s sleeping and a little bit dangerous… hecks I’m a big girl and that doesn’t sound safe to me… furthermore… I don’t want anyone messing with me while I am sleeping… let alone… putting their nasty, stinky feet on my neck… Just Saying!”

Oasap Limited 

But seriously, it was a little bit before she passed away… we were having our usual mother/daughter talks and she said, “My number one fear is that you and your sister will never get married because I fear that I taught you both how to hate men.” I was shocked by this revelation and I asked her why would she say that.

She answered because her intentions were to protect us from all the hurt and pain she experienced in her relationships throughout her life… she didn’t want us to go through that same pain in our relationships. However, the reality of it all is that she may have passed along her relationship insecurities along to one of her daughters… ME!

See, at that time, she… and the ladies… thought they were protecting me, but they inadvertently did something that truly harmed me in the end. I grew up not respecting, valuing and giving Black men a fair chance… I grew up not knowing how to love and appreciate them… I grew up with their relationship insecurities; therefore, found myself being and causing dysfunction within my past relationships. 

Fortunately, I was able to correct those damaging behaviors before I passed them unto my daughters... I was able to break my mom's dysfunctional, relationship insecurities from affecting my daughters through the 6 steps that I am going to share with you.

So, Ladies… here is my Sistahly advice that will hopefully assist you with breaking your families’ dysfunctional relationship and generational cycles in an effort for you to not pass these insecurities along to your daughters. Let’s begin…

Be Aware of Your Insecurities & Express them to Your Partner

You must become aware of your insecurities especially the ones that are generational cycles so you may break them. Awareness and understanding your family’s relational dysfunction is the first step. Once I became aware and began to understand my relationship insecurities, I was able to counteract my dysfunctional relationship behaviors within my relationships and my life.


One of the most damaging lessons that dysfunctional mothers teach their daughters that emotional insecurities are communicated through their overly critical, judgmental, emotional, cutting others down and through their aggressive behaviors.

If you are feeling insecure in your relationship... then talk to your partner about your insecurities in a healthy, mature fashion. 

They are not mind readers... you know?!? Don't keep these insecure feelings bottled up and then lash out with your passive aggressive behaviors or attitudes. Understand that your feelings are being ignored because you refused to communicate your true feelings to your partner in a healthy manner.

It is healthy to have disagreements within your relationships, but it is unhealthy to express your insecurities in an emotional, venomous or physical way. 

So, you need to start responding to your relational differences and expressing yourself in a healthier manner. You must learn how to control your mouth and your behaviors if you want to have a positive outcome and more importantly… if you want to get over your insecurities and stop this generational cycle.

Seek Out Advice and Don't Be Afraid to Ask Questions

To figure out why my relationships were so dysfunctional, I began to examine or take note of the functional or healthy relationships within my family and Sistah circles. I began to see how these women would engage and interact with their significant others. I would seek out why their relationships were successful by asking questions and seek out their advice. 

So ask questions... ask plenty of questions and seek out advice from other women. seems to be working out. Ask questions and seek out their advice.

You know… you really can’t advise, teach or show your daughters proper behaviors to display within a relationship if you don’t know yourself… You can’t honestly think that publicly cursing out and humiliating your significant other on social media is the right way to solve your problems?!? Furthermore, you can’t change your dysfunctional behaviors if you are not aware of them… Just Saying!

You Must Own Up and Be Truthful with Self

Stop blaming everyone else and own up to your own insecurities, actions, feelings, attitudes and beliefs. You must acknowledge what emotional or physical part you played in causing these issues within your life and your relationship. Contrary to what our relationship insecurities would have us believe, we all play a significant role in the foolishness we oftentimes may find ourselves in.


If you allow your insecurities and emotions to get the better of you in a relational situation… then own that… address it and move on. I had to be truthful with myself. I stopped being reactive and became more reflectively proactive... I faced my truths and my insecurities.

Try your hardest not to blame someone else for your insecurities and harbor negative, bitter feelings towards someone else… you must take responsibility for the poison... your relationship insecurities... for tainting your outlook on your relationships. 

If you really take a hard, truthful look at yourself... you may find out that you are the one who needs to adjust their attitude about your current relationship situation.

Remember… just because you may not be aware of all your insecurities and dysfunctional behaviors or generational cycles, you must take accountability for the ones you are aware of and start changing them. 

If you don’t deal with your feelings now…  you will inadvertently pass these venomous feelings unto your daughters… Just Saying!

Stop Looking for Reassurance... Dysfunction Attracts Dysfunction

If you are looking to your significant other to reassure you during your bouts of relationship insecurities… then DON’T! This will only lead you to developing more insecurities. See… my relationship insecurities stemmed from within… they were internal and generational; therefore, seeking out external reassurances only lead me to become more insecure and to develop more insecurities. 

It only opened the door for my dysfunctional partners to influence how I saw myself... it opened the door for me to allow them to tear down my self-esteem and I lost my self-confidence. If you are dysfunctional, you most likely will attract someone who is dysfunctional... and two dysfunctional people with relationship insecurities don't equate a healthy happy relationship... Just Saying!


You must strive to build up your self-esteem… self-worth… self-confidence and practice self-love. 

What I am trying to say is... you must stop looking for validation from your significant other whenever you need reassurance within your relationship because you are allowing your insecurities to become a problem.

If you are in a healthy relationship, than your insecurities can and will eventually lead your partner to view you as burden.

Building up your self-esteem by focusing on things that you can change… like yourself…will lead you to seek out your lost independence. You must find your independence within your relationship. 

Think about it… before you got together with your current partner, you were an individual with your own identity. You only needed your validation and reassurances to feel good about yourself. Your relationship should enhance you… not diminish your self-esteem or heighten your relationship insecurities.


Remember, Ladies… our relationship insecurities come from within ourselves and tend to be generational cycles, and unless you seek within yourself to overcome these attitudes, beliefs or emotions. 

If you don't stop and get yourself under control, you will continue to be in this dysfunctional generational cycle... and continue to pick dysfunctional partners. 

As mothers raising our daughters we must be careful of our own dysfunctions because our daughters will see these dysfunctions within our relationships. 

They will begin to accept these dysfunctional behaviors and attitudes as being the norm. They will inadvertently incorporate these dysfunctions into their own identities; therefore, the dysfunctional, generational cycle continues… Just Saying!

Learn to Trust or Learn to Leave… It’s Your Choice

A major component of our insecurities can be attributed to our trust issues. Lack of trust within a relationship is a sure sign of insecurities. If you are having problems trusting your partner when they are not in your ear or eye sight, then it really is time for you to reevaluate your insecurities or your relationship.

According to PsychologyToday, your trust insecurities or trust issues can originate from your past relationships, your current partner’s questionable behaviors or a combination of both. You must determine where these trust issues stem from.

Now… if your significant other has done somethings to wear down your trust and amplified your trust insecurities, then it is time for you set some boundaries instead of playing the blame game. You must remember that you have choices and stop suppressing your feelings because that will only heighten your trust insecurities within your relationships.

However, if your current significant other hasn’t given you any reason not to trust them…  then you must learn to trust your partner. You can’t continue being that lady… you know… the one I’m talking about… that Bag Lady! 

I was that lady that brought all of my old relationship, insecurity baggage into my new relationships. I continued to blame my current partner for something that my past partners may have done... until I learned to trust and control my trust insecurities. I realized that it wasn't their fault for the baggage that I decided to hold on to. I had had to make a conscious decision to let my past be in my past and look forward towards my future. 

You must do the same... you must let go of the hurt with each relationship and judge your partner on their actions… not on your past relationships and insecurities.

If you find that you can’t control your trust insecurities, then you really need to seek out professional help. Find a therapist or some type of counseling so you can work through your issues and help you rebuild a healthier relationship foundation. Doing this will help you to heal; thus, breaking your relationship generational cycle.


If you are unwilling to get the necessary professional help to assist you in controlling your relationship insecurities… for whatever reason, then you have another choice to make… it maybe time for you to learn to leave your relationship.

Ladies… think about it… would you build your new million-dollar house on an old worn out foundation and use the same flawed materials when that same structure fell apart before… so why would you bring your baggage from your failed past relationships to your present relationships?!? 

Let me give you some more Sistahly advice that I had to find out by going through some harsh, painful relationship lessons because I couldn't check my trust insecurities... Ladies… there is no such thing as the perfect relationship! So, get that out of your mind… check your trust insecurities and accept your partner for who they are… or keep it moving!

Trust me… no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is an emotional burden. So, if you are unwilling to change... then your best bet is for you to pack up your past relationship insecurity baggage and get to getting before you find yourself being abruptly dumped… like I was in my past... leaving you with more psychological scars… Just Saying!

Don’t Ever Advise Your Daughters to Put Their Foot on His Neck!

Finally, don’t…  I mean… don’t ever advise your daughters to put their foot on his neck! Healthy relationships must have room for an individual to be independent to think and feel however they want. 

Individuals need to have the freedom to move around freely without any unnecessary restrictions or anyone… putting their foot on their necks. In a relationship, insecure women feel that they must become their significant other’s mom instead of their partner… are clingy and don’t respect spatial boundaries.

A mature woman’s relationship does not equate their significant other’s obedience or submission as being love. In a nurturing relationship with a sturdy foundation… one free of insecurities… an individual’s unique qualities and behaviors are not just endured, but they are lovingly embraced. 

Sky


Only an immature, insecure woman would require their significant other to change to pacify their insecurities.  

You must realize the capacity in which you can sway your significant other and being his mother is not one of them! Don’t allow your insecurities be the defining point in which you are trying to persuade your partner into changing their behaviors to suit you and your needs. If they want to hang out… let them. Everybody deserves some alone time or hang out time with their family and friends. 

Once again Ladies... you must get your insecurities in check or your significant other may check out of your relationship… and your daughters may pick up these dysfunctional insecurities… Just Saying!

ejnosillA’s Final Thoughts

In closing, I do respect my mom for her relationship advice and her wisdom, in general. Now, before you start judging my mom… and I start getting caught up in my feelings… let me go back a bit.

My mother was raised in an era that glorified gangstas and the ghetto lifestyle. You know the era… let me see… “The Mack” era where everyone had a clean car… that was paid for… were decked out wearing their real, full length mink coats, bell bottom pants or suits with a brim and let’s not forget the afros… the bigger the better… you know the era… were our moms and pops were clean-as-a-tack in their 70s gear… Just Saying!

Well… with her being the only girl and the youngest born into a family where the men outnumbered the women, she was exposed to a lot of things. Now my uncles and male cousins… well… they were the type of men that you wouldn’t want to see your daughter bringing them home for dinner.

You know… the playa type who always had a hustle about themselves…  they kept money, women and a clean ride as well as took care of their wives and children at home… and they kept a piece just in case something went down. So, with her being born in this era and being exposed to this “pimp-like” mentality, she learned at a young age not to trust men and to be hard on them.

So, I truly understand where she was coming from… and more importantly, I appreciate her for loving me enough to try to protect me. However, in the end… she did realize that maybe her motherly advice did more harm than good… but that’s okay because as I have grown, I have learned from her… and my mistakes and I now know how to have a healthier relationship with whatever man I elect to be with. For that, I will be truly grateful!

Well... Ladies... here is my advice so that you are equipt to break your family's' generational cycles that stem from mothers to daughters. If you want to have healthy and happy relationships... you must get your relationship and trust insecurities under control or you might find yourself alone... Just Saying! As usual...


Stay Blessed Queens!



May ALLAH bless us and lead us down the right path to cultivating healthy relationships!



~ejnosillA
~ Don't Forget to Subscribe ~
~ COMMENT ~ LIKE ~ SHARE ~ 



Vote For Me @ The Top Mommy Blogs Directory Vote For Me @ The Top Mommy Blogs Directory


**********************************************************************
Want to be featured on RedefiningHERstory: One Blog Post at a Time?
We are a PR-Friendly blog and this post may contain affiliate links. Please read our disclosure page. We also accept guest and sponsored posts!
For submission details please visit our disclosure page here!

Let’s work together... Just Saying!!!
**********************************************************************

Picture References:

Insecure People... Image: Retrieved from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/f4/ce/44/f4ce447184ac39124ccab9f9e473d0f9.jpg

Sometimes Our Thoughts... Image: Retrieved from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e8/47/ca/e847ca5821c47fd5d5f2cbd85b474b07.jpg

References:




34 comments :

  1. It's so true; we often project our insecurities onto our partners and that's always trouble. We have to learn to communicate better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can see how this could happen. I have a little boy so Hopefully this doesnt happen with him!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My daughter hasn't really started asking me about how to deal with relationships with men, but I hope that I am showing her how to act when she does find someone that she loves and cares about. I didn't have the best example, so I am trying to do better.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so beyond lucky to have had only one serious, strong relationship in my life, and that is with my husband of 10 years. He was my first love and will be my last. I hope we can show our kids what a real relationship is and that sticking with someone through the tough times it TOTALLY worth it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great Read!!! I guess we all have to be conscious of the things we are putting out because we could be teaching our daughters things subconsciously!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is so true. Our daughters are little people looking up to their mamas on how to act. The way we repate with men leaves a lasting impression. Great advice, btw!

      Delete
  6. Thank you for the valuable pieces of advice you shared. I remember when me and my husband got engaged. My grandmothers (maternal and paternal), my mom, aunts, great-aunts all had "tips" on how to over-power my husband to be and not be a slave to his whims. You won't believe that there were even things that you should do during the wedding to "help" me be the dominant force in the marriage. I did not follow any of those and we turned out fine. When my daughter got engaged and eventually married, I never said anything negative. It was all encouraging pieces of advice.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awesome article! I hope that I am showing my daughter how to treat and respect her future husband through my daily actions towards her father. My daughter is always looking at me and picks up on everything I say or do (good or bad), which has made me more conscious.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for saying this. Some of us do not realize the influence we have over our children's lives. We must be careful what we do and say in their presence

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree that we can project our insecurities onto our partners and into our relationships. I've done it, especially after having bad relationship experiences. It isn't a good thing to do either.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so true! we often pass down many habits to our kids that are not so healthy for them

    ReplyDelete
  11. This provides the better idea to make young generation able to prepare for something good. However, all depends on them if they are ready to adopt.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Parents don't always realize just how impressionable their children are-the first relationship they ever see is the one their parents have. great post!

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a great post! I don't have children to pass down my insecurities but I have them to begin with. Lately I have been on a self-confidence journey and this article encouraged me.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is a great post and I totally get this. I have similar experiences not with my mum but with someone else and it is important to break the cycle.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is so true a lot of times generational cycles past down through generations. This is something that should be discussed more often.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Lovely post! Insecurities is like a plague. It could destroys life and family.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This right here is so on point. Everything that you said here is true. Our kids watch us and see to pick up some of our worst habits.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My daughter is still too young for the relationship talk. We lost her dad last year so I know it will be a hard topic to discuss.

    ReplyDelete
  19. GREAT ARTICLE!!
    I suppose it is kind of inevitable that our children perceive our weaknesses and have to deal with them. I mean, nobody is perfect. But I think the important thing to teach my children is exactly that: I am not perfect, I am not a "role model" you don't have to follow the same path. I have made mistakes, I have fears, I have sorrows, and I can teach my children all that I lived through, warn them of certain situations, but I can always show them support on their own initiatives and their own path. Making it clear for them "this is MY life, it doesn't mean you are going to do/suffer/ go through the same. Transmitting hope, in general, is for me a good thing to do.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I try to instill relationship values and morals in my kids...whether it be romantic or friendly. This is something that goes undone with so many of us.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Confident people love to see you walk taller. I love that.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I think we definitely impart some of our baggage from previous relationships unto our children. We try not to do it but we are human after all...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I agree, communication is everything. Great read!

    Pammy - joyfulsource.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. What a spectacular post. Such amazing advice. I struggle with insecurities, but try hard not to pass these on to my children. I'm going to bookmark this post!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I don't have any kids, but I don't think I would.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Such a great thought-provoking post!! Definitely lots of stuff to keep in mind, especially for those of us raising daughters.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This is such an important message that more of us need to be talking about. Thank you for putting it out there

    ReplyDelete
  28. I believe that unknowingly my mother may have somewhat tried to pass this to me... I thank God I was able to break free from that bondage!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yes we as mothers have to be careful the messages that we are sending to our children. I often think about mother who talk negatively about the children's father.I dont agree with the mother bashing father even he "deserves" it. As the children have a different view of the father. Great advice, wish mothers not only watch what they say but how they behave and act regarding men.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I was just, JUST arguing with my mum about marriage. And it felt fated that I'm to read your article at this time. It helped me a little reading that you've went thru what I am going through. But how am I supposed to let my mum understand this point?

    ReplyDelete
  31. This is a great post. Such an important topic that we dont even think is important. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

To Leave a Comment

***************************NOTE*************************************

If you would like to leave a comment with your name in which ejnosillA can respond to you personally, please select Name/URL option from the "COMMENT" drop down box.

With this selection you have the option to leave your name and than select publish.

~ejnosillA